


You Shouldn't See Me For Who I Am

by taeminsfairywaist



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 10:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8245496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminsfairywaist/pseuds/taeminsfairywaist
Summary: This was a vent fic I wrote after a break down with MC being me, basically... It takes place during Jumin's route when you go to his penthouse, but after that it doesn't follow the actual plot.





	

At first, you had been delighted to have finally met Jumin in person. After just a few days of chatting, and calling, and getting to know each other in such a short period of time...you weren't sure how everything had come to falling for each other so quickly. It only made meeting sweeter; you could see his smile, his home, and the lovely little cat he adored so much.

But, even as you had stood at his door, all that excitement had turned on you, like a hypnotized snake that snapped out of its reverie and sunk its fangs into your throat. Won't he be disappointed...? He has no idea what you look like, what if you don't meet up to the wonderful image of you he created in his mind? Even if he was an objective thinker, it would have been impossible for anyone but Seven to construct a living, breathing person out of your text messages...and that person wasn't you.

You sunk your nails into your bare arms, taking in a shaky breath and putting on a shy smile as the door opened up.

And of course, he was everything you had expected. A beautiful person who looked like he owned a world renowned company, giving you a small smile.

_Hiding his annoyance for your sake_

You shook the thought away; it was time to live in the joy of this moment, one you had been so happy to have been given.

 

He had welcomed you into his home, offered you a safe place to stay, somewhere warm with his words filled with adoration and kindness.

You couldn't help but think you didn't deserve all this. Not a nice bed that wasn't yours to sleep in, not a nice apartment to stay in, eat in, live in for the time being.

_Shut up and enjoy yourself. This doesn't happen for everyone, getting to be with the one you love._

 

You had come to learn that Jumin was the kindest person alive. Though Zen blew up your phone with warnings and escape plans, you couldn't help but feel like he didn't know how Jumin really was. You found you could trust him; he wasn't just kind words, behind those words were the truth of how he really felt, and it meant something to hear them from someone who had buried their emotions for their entire life. You were thankful, no... that wasn't heavy enough. You were so overwhelmingly grateful to be the one to bring out that side of him.

 

For a few days, your anxieties and your depression took a break from torturing you. You were happy.

But, they always came back. They were parasites that were impossible to kill without killing yourself first.

 

Curled up in the sheets of a bed that wasn't yours, in a home vacant of the one who owned it, you got lost in your thoughts.

By this point, wasn't he just being polite, letting you stay here? You didn't do anything for his benefit; you only ate his food, used his TV, raised his water bill, and contaminated his living space. His _expensive_ living space. You came to realize, you didn't belong here. If you were Jumin, you wouldn't want yourself here. Such an ugly, annoying disappointment like yourself had no right to subject yourself to someone as kind as Jumin. But what should you do? If you texted him to tell him you were leaving, he would think it incredibly rude...here he was, offering hospitality only for you to turn it away because of your own selfish beliefs. Your hands began to shake as you peeled the blankets off, stinking of sweat from the stress of your own thoughts. Finding a pen, and some paper, you scribbled down a quick note; you gave Elizabeth a quick pet behind the ears, and stepped out the door of the pent house you didn't deserve to track your feet in.

“Can you please give this to Jumin when he comes back?” You asked politely, putting on a practiced smile. The woman gave you a quick nod, and with that, you left. This was a place you should have never come to...even the carpet under your feet was more expensive and priceless than you ever would be to anyone.

 _I sound like an angsty high school student again,_ you thought to yourself, pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes as the elevator slid down the floors, _I should just stop whining_

 

But you could feel it; feel the feeling akin to rust climbing over your skin and to your bones, your body trying its damnedest to shake it off from the violent tremors shaking your entire body as you took a deep gasp of air to prevent a sob from breaking free.

 

You called a cab, and rode home in silence that was fragile as glass. Still, you couldn't let it all out.

Your eyes flicked over the security cameras donning each corner of the room, monitored by Seven who wouldn't hesitate to report to Jumin if he saw you letting out everything that had built up like flood waters after a monsoon.

 

On a notepad, you wrote, _I'm sorry for this_ , flashed it to one of the lenses, and proceeded to cover up each camera with napkins secured them with rubber bands. It was only temporary, so you could let it all out. Your hands had begun trembling again after the third camera covered up, tears leaking down your cheeks, _Now Seven is going to hate me too. I might as well push away the rest of the RFA at this point_

God...you were a terrible person. Seven had only given you kindness, happiness, and his friendship. He knew how to make you laugh, too, and you stop him from doing his job of protecting you...

 

With the last camera covered, a loud sob was the first crack in the flood gates. In the silence of the apartment that you had contaminated as well...the apartment of someone so precious to the RFA, the apartment of someone that was once alive but had left, leaving scars for all that knew her.

 

You were never meant to come here, you were never meant to have been alive in the same place as these wonderful people. Yoosung, who loved Rika so, Zen, who was so successful at such a young age, Jaehee, who had a work ethic you would never be able to achieve, Jumin, who was born in a life that allowed him to do things you could only dream of, and Seven, kind,  _kind_ Seven who always tried his hardest to keep you cheery.

Someone as broken as you were never meant to cross paths with people as wonderful as them.

The thoughts rushed in, whirling in your head and forcing sobs and tears out to make room for more...you wanted them to stop. You wanted to stop thinking, you wanted to stop being so paranoid, so anxious, so scared...you wanted to be normal. God, what you wouldn't give to be normal. If you weren't such a failure, you could be successful. If you were't so incredibly fucked up, you could have friends that cared for you, family that loved you, a home with those you wanted to be with. Instead, you pushed everyone away in fear of subjecting them to you. You chased away your family unwillingly when they saw you break down, sobbing in a corner of your old room, shaking and rocking back and forth. People would love you, if you weren't you.

_Stop thinking, please, just stop_

You paced around the floor, hands tangled deep in your hair and your throat closing up with every intake of air. So much emotion and energy built up in your limbs, they felt too light and too heavy, like the gravity in this room was constantly shifting to zero and one hundred per second.

_Stop it, stop, please stop it_

The desk, covered with papers and pens, was pulled over, crashing to the floor loudly as its contents spilled over the floor.

Satisfying, distracting, but not enough.

Within minutes, the apartment was torn apart. Desks, chairs, tables, everything was spilled across the floor and a hole was in the wall where your knuckles had made painful contact, the skin broken and bleeding. The pain distracted you from your thoughts, only focusing on the throbbing and stinging of fresh air on raw skin.

_Something else...I need something else before it starts again_

You could already feel the thoughts coming again, and energy still thrumming in your chest, threatening to burn you up from the inside out.

You clawed through the clutter on the floor, looking for a small box you had sworn not to look at when you first found it. Razor blades, razor blades, razor blades...where were they?

 

When you found the box, in your haste, you spilled the thin metal squares across the floor, slicing your fingertip open as you struggled to catch them. You wasted no time. You needed to distract yourself _now_.

 

One, painful, stinging slash across your thigh, blood welling up in a thin stripe. Two, three, four...you lost count. It was quick; within seconds your legs had been scraped and sliced to the point where the blood was leaking over your legs and staining the carpet. You felt yourself getting dizzy as you wrapped the bandages heavily around your thighs; the white bandages were dyed red within seconds. It would stop soon, you knew far too well.

 

Then, you laid down on the bed that smelled nothing like the one you missed so dearly at home, and let the blood loss put you to sleep.

 

But one camera had been uncovered in your haste, and Seven dialed the number of someone who had long since returned home and received your note.

 

“Mr. Han, she left this for you.” The woman stated curtly, handing him a folded note with your name written across it, “She said she was returning home.”

 

Confusion crossed his features, but he thanked the guard and unfolded the slip of paper as he closed the door behind him

 

_Jumin,_

_Sorry for leaving so suddenly, I didn't want to be rude and stay here any longer. Thank you so much for your hospitality and your kindness, it meant a lot to me. For now, I went home so you could have some time to yourself. I'm truly sorry about overstaying my welcome, I'll try to return the favor as soon as possible. Thank you again._

 

He was confused and....hurt? In his pocket, his phone rang; a call from Seven.

 

As soon as he slid the green button across the screen, Seven's loud voice pierced the quiet serenity of Jumin's home, “ _Jumin you need to go to her apartment right now, and I mean right now right now! I'll text you the address please just_ _ **go**_ ”

 

Fear clutched at his chest, what had happened to you? Were you hurt? Were you in an accident? Did his fears come true, did someone take you? His phone rang again with an address. That day was the first time anyone in his building saw him run as if his life depended on it.

 

 

 

You woke up, a pulsing ache in your legs an a large stain marring the sheets you had slept in. The bandages adorning your legs had long since turned brown, and your mind was still hazy and packed with cotton. Slowly, you sat up, reaching for the first aid kit you kept at your bedside, unwrapping the soiled bandages and replacing them with new ones. For a moment, you stared at the scabbed over lines littering your legs with blank eyes. You had done it again, after you had promised to never do it again...

 

You wrapped them again, putting on a pair of sweat pants to hide them from your view. Your eyes scanned over the apartment; the hole in the wall, the cluttered mess, the broken glass of a vase you didn't remember throwing. Even if you wanted to, you were too tired to care about it. You had achieved the goal you had aimed for when you sliced at your legs with the ferocity of a soldier attacking an enemy; determined, and knowing of the consequences it would have on you. Dragging your feet to the bathroom, you looked in the mirror.

Your face was sickly pale, your eyes lifeless, and vacant, like there was no one left behind them. You dragged a brush through your matted hair and pulled in into a ponytail that you placed over your shoulder, as if to try and regain some sense of yourself you once had before you passed out.

 

The doorbell ringing didn't even make you jump; your gaze just slid to the door. Maybe they would go away if you stayed silent; you wanted to be alone.

 

The ringing only grew more frequent and urgent. Sighing, you traversed the destroyed apartment, out of breath by the time you had reached the door. That's right...you didn't eat before you left Jumin's place. What time was it now? A quick glance at the clock, and you realized you had been passed out for ten straight hours.

With a humorless laugh, you thought, _I probably could have died in my sleep_

 

When you opened the door, you saw Jumin. A spark of life reignited within your chest, and a pang of fear, _Oh god...I didn't want anyone to see me like this, especially him..._

There was so much fear in his eyes, and his chest was heaving. Did he run here? No, of course he drove...why did he look so worried?

He grabbed your shoulders, looking you up and down, before letting out a sigh of relief and pulling you close to his chest. Your vision swam at the sudden movement.

“God...Seven called me and he made me believe you had _died_ or something...god..” He buried his face in your neck, squeezing you closer.

Your eyes traveled around the room, landing on a single camera, a small, green light flashing, catching every moment of horror that dawned on your face. He had seen it, Seven had seen it all, the screaming, the sobbing, how you tore this place apart, and how you cut yourself open with tears streaming down your face. He had seen it all, and he had told Jumin.

You breathed in a shaky breath; Jumin pulled you closer.

“What happened...?” He asked, “You could have stayed for months and I would have been so happy. You were never once overstaying your welcome, with one word I would have let you move your things in...”

You wanted to cry again. That hastily made dam you had put together in the short time you had to yourself was already springing leaks.

“And the moment you came back here, something terrible must have happened. Did someone break in? Are you hurt?” He pulled away, looking you over once more, his eyes locking on your bruised knuckles. His expression hardened.

“N-no, Jumin, no one broke in-”

“Why is this place a wreck? Someone must have-”

“No!” You shouted suddenly, “No.. no one broke in. Let's just...lets leave, okay? I don't want to be here right now” You answered, fatigue lacing your voice and emotion causing it to break.

 

With that, you were back where you started, trying to patch up the holes in that useless dam, your fingers typing rapidly, _You saw everything, didn't you?_ You texted Seven.

_Yeah, I did_

_Please don't tell Jumin. Please._

 

_I really should, you need to get help_

 

_I don't. I don't want him to know that..that part of me exists. Please, I'm begging you Seven, please don't tell him_

 

_Fine....he deserves to know, though. He loves you a lot, you know? Nothing like that would stop him from loving you_

 

_It will. I just needed to be alone for a while._

 

You turned your phone off, ignoring it as it rang with Seven's text tone again. If you hadn't been so careless...

Your legs itched, and they burned, and they hurt so bad. But Jumin was next to you. If you did anything, he would notice; he was watching you like a hawk. He really was so kind, being so worried over you. You didn't deserve it.

 

You swallowed hard. _Don't start thinking again; you'll cry, and he'll know_

 

He already knew you looked like a cancer patient, with your ghostly pale skin and the bouts of dizziness you had that, if he hadn't been there to catch you, you would have fallen down every flight of stairs. He was worried, so worried.

“What happened?” He finally asked after a heavy silence.

“Nothing” You answered curtly. You wanted to crawl in a hole and just die already.

“That's a lie. Something happened, and I need to know so I can protect you.”

“I'm fine, nothing happened. You don't need to worry about me.”

 

Every time he asked, you refused with the stubbornness of a child; you were embarrassed by your own immaturity

He sighed, “Okay. If you don't want to talk, I won't make you. Please, just, don't leave again, I wouldn't be able to stand it if you got hurt.”

 

Why was he so nice? You did nothing but push him away, why did he still care?

 

“You don't need to be so nice to me,” Your words came out hoarse and dripping with left over emotion.

He looked at you with those concerned eyes, and you just felt so...so _angry._

“You don't need to be so nice, just...just yell at me! Be mad! I'm being a fucking child and you just _accept it_. I'm not worth your kindness, Jumin, just...” your voice broke, “Just hate me already, okay?”

 

Once again, you were wrapped in his arms, your eyes welling with tears.

_How many times have I cried today? What a child._

“I could never.”

“Of course you can't!” You sniffled, “Why do you like me? Everyone says you love me but _god_ I can't believe it. You're too good of a person, for fucks sake. You let me stay in your house and you offer me the whole god damn world like I deserve it-”

“You do.” He answered firmly

“ _I don't!”_ You yelled, biting your tongue and burying your face in your hands.

“I just wanna go home and be alone...” you whispered.

You could feel his eyes burning through you, those worried eyes.

_Fuck, fuck fuck fuck_

“Something happened to you today, just tell me _what-”_

“I said n-” Your head snapped up, and god, you couldn't bring yourself to yell.

His eyes were glossy with tears.

Caused by you, and your stupid, stupid stubbornness.

You deflated, every last remaining shred of dignity and strength you had left being torn away by that one, single sight.

“I'm sorry” you choked out, rubbing your eyes furiously, “I'm a bad person, god, I made you...”

 

“I just need you to tell me what I can do to help you” His voice was as strong as ever, unlike yours that wobbled and shook.

 

You didn't want to tell him. He would lose that image he had of you; that kind, understanding girl who loved herself and everyone around her, the girl he had originally fallen for. He would have never fallen for you if he knew who you really were.

 

“I...” You steeled yourself, swallowing hard, “I have depression, and severe anxiety. I have for my entire life.”

 

The room was silent, and you knew he was still looking for you, asking for you to explain further.

 

“And that's it,” you shrugged with a small, humorless laugh, “I made this huge fuss, got you worried, and had a mental break down because I have anxiety and depression. I scared you and made you worry because I'm mentally ill, and I was so scared of you knowing, god I'm so scared now that you know. No one wants to be in love with a person like me, who constantly gets paranoid about other people's opinions.”

 

You laughed again, dragging your hand across your face.

 

“I thought I covered up every camera in that damn apartment, but I guess I missed one, and Seven saw, and he called you. I knew he would. Promise me you'll never ask him to see that footage, okay?”

 

Jumin nodded, and you realized he had been rubbing comforting circles into your back as you had begun to speak. Another shaky inhale; that dam you had built so quickly was coming apart again, slowly, with purpose.

 

“I get so paranoid, Jumin. I convince myself that everyone around me hates me, that they're just trying to be nice. And it's so easy for me to believe, like, I'm self aware in the fact that all of this paranoia and fear is just generated from my mental illness but its so hard to convince myself otherwise. I hate myself so much already, so how hard is it for me to believe that everyone else does too?”

 

He was still listening, patient and steady as ever. You curled your legs to your chest, resting your forehead on your knees and trying to ignore the throbbing from the cuts.

 

“And, god, I'm so bad at dealing with my emotions. I'm too scared to bother anyone by telling them how I feel...I feel like telling anyone, they'll be weirded out, and they'll leave me. So I just keep it to myself, and it gets so bad. It gets so impossible to deal with. I can't stop thinking, and the only way to distract myself is-” You halted, biting down on your tongue.

No. He didn't need to know anything more about that.

 

“I just...you saw the state of the apartment. I needed to get everything out and I just didn't know how.”

 

How long had you been ranting? Was he lost, by now? Had he realized you weren't worth his love or his attention?

 

“I'm so scared, Jumin. I made myself to be this wonderful person for all of you guys, this person who was kind, and loving, and understanding, and I'm not. I'm a liar. I act as though I know how to deal with my emotions, I gave you guys advice that I can't even seem to follow. I just...I knew what I was doing was so wrong. I gave you all a false idea of who I really was, I was just so lonely. Everyone in the RFA, and you, you made me so happy. I was _so_ happy that you guys liked me, and I was ecstatic to finally meet you. I love you so much and I was so glad to finally meet you,” You took a deep breath, “I thought that I was finally okay, y'know? Like this weird fog had cleared. And it came back when I was finally happy, it always does. I convinced myself I was bothering you, just by staying here. I was...contaminating your personal space. So I left, so I could go clear my head somewhere familiar. But all I had to return to was Rika's apartment. All of you cared about her so much, and I was living in her home like some kind of knock-off replacement for such a wonderful person. I should have stayed here, and not gone back. It was just the icing on the cake.”

 

There was a long pause.

 

“And that's it. I'm mentally ill, and I had a break down. Seven saw it and called you.”

 

You didn't want to look at Jumin; your eyes were trained on the floor, counting the carpet strands. Unconsciously, you scratched at the fabric covering your thighs, wincing.

Thankfully, he didn't notice.

  
“...thank you, for telling me” He finally answered. At some point during your ramblings, his fingers had laced themselves with yours, and you realized you had been holding on for dear life. Quickly, you loosened your grip and wiped your eyes.

 

“I don't want you to see me like that, so seriously, don't ask Seven for the footage. It's pretty ugly” You nervously laughed.

 

And just like that, the painful conversation was over, ended by a joke that wasn't funny. You had stood up and composed yourself, going to find Elizabeth, doing your best to act as though nothing happened. You were fine; it was all off your chest. All that was left to worry about was if Jumin would want you to still be around.

 

The next day, you woke up in a bed far more comfortable than the one at home, to Jumin who did his best to shower you with all the affection and love he had in his heart.

 

For the first time in a while, you realized you finally had someone to depend on.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So...yeah. It's not especially good, I had just needed to write something that let me get all my emotions off my chest. I hope you enjoyed it


End file.
